faith is the evidence of things hoped for and the substance of things not seen. I've been relying so heavily on my knowledge and understanding of things that i'm running myself ragged inside and going to fall appart trying to figure everything out and fix everything. As much as I want to and try to controll everything and know everything, I must honestly admit that I am glad that I am not God.

heart's leaking... bleeding out all over the floor... from a large cavity carved out as a dentist carves out tooth decay -- from having tasted something far too sweet and just as unhealthy... just as much life as is poured into me to revitalize and restore me, just spills out of this gaping hole that is difficult to heal. for it to heal properly, i cannot bandage it up completely and lock it away from air, but i must be dilligently careful to keep it clean from infections and invaders.

--train of thought...
what's wrong with the church? All the good people leave while the bad people stay. so many individual incidents and collective events occur in secret for the sake of saving face and maintaining confidentiality that the church doesn't know how sick it is -- it does not feel its own pain to seek remedy for its unhealthy self. In the human body, there are systems in place to deal with things that cause harm to itself. Pain sensors that lets the brain know there is something wrong, and various mechanisms to either heal the problem or remove it. We have such mechanisms within the body of Christ, but the people who are capable are not stepping into roles they should be in, thus leaving the need vacant for those who are not capable. In our American society, we don't like pain. We don't like to feel it nor do we like to deal with it. We like to medicate it and ignore it and hope it goes away so that we can focus our lives on everything else that we busy our lives with. Quite simply, pain hurts. Sometimes the cure for a small problem hurts more than the pain itself, but it is healthier to deal with the problem properly than to let it fester and simmer and potentially be left to grow more damaging than it ever needed to be. Fight or fly, do or die situations come up frequently in our lives, even within our own church, and we often chose to fly rather than fight and die in the name of self-martyrdom rather than do. Fighting is more difficult, and doing seems impossible. Who will stand? Who will stay? Perhaps if one voice were heard, if one cry were let out, if the depth of the pain were sensed by the body -- might it spark attention such that a change might occur? a bandage on a wound could be removed? fresh air could hit the injury? Christ could be allowed to love his wife and cleanse her by the washing with water through the word? Is the water too strong? too pure? too unfamiliar for us to accept? Must we medicate even that? And flavor God's word such that when God gives us life-giving water, we must flavor it as kool-aide just to drink it, or have it pre-packaged for us to purchase at a high price. (thoughts running several directions on several subjects... The word of God = life giving water, used for cleansing and used for nourishment. When a problem arises, do we deal with it according to how we're told to via the bible? Or do we just follow church-doctrine? I believe the initial intent of church-doctrine was good, but in some [no idea how many -- i assume far more than i could ever know] cases it is a bad thing and doesn't play out as it was intially intended. like... in an analogy, if you get a cut on your body, the first step to healing properly is to clean it. Water is the first cleansing agent. Church doctrine attempts to be neosporin to help clean and heal wounds faster, but ends up being more like IcyHot, icy to dull the pain then hot to relax it away -- but does nothing for cleansing nor healing.)

the arrows have been removed... all that remain now are wounds. i did not realize how many there were, until they were plucked out one by one. it is deeply refreshing to recieve encouragement from the Lord through prayer from an individual who knows nothing of me nor my story. in the presence of God, among his people, is a deeply refreshing restful place for me... right now i cannot spark fire, nor does my heart hold any desire. Lord Jesus I thank you for setting angels to surround and protect me as i come before you humbly... hurt, battered and bruised from the battle, wounded and weakend... in you O Lord I find rest and seek restoration to be made whole. deep beneath this opressive sadness, i feel your joy residing way deep down within. my hurting will not last. to me you do hold fast. I thank you Lord for being with me -- walking with me every step of the way. Lord I need only you, in my life this only i hold to be true. thank you for providing the rest of all that i need for life. God, how'd I do? did i do a good job of representing you? i thought i had failed, but when i look back i can feel your smile.. i did all i could to go the extra mile to live your love to the point of death. i could not go on any further than i did... my heart is at peace knowing that i stood against temptation for you.

i used to believe that i could get through anything in life as long as i had enough sleep. take away my sleep and then i'd fall appart. then you took away my sleep pattern and sustained me just the same. Then I believed that if i only had a wife, my life on earth would be complete. Then in pursuit of one I've nearly met my death. yet i still have you. All I need in life and death is you dear Lord, dear brother, dear friend Jesus.

i'm happy i have you Jesus :) that's all i have the energy to say. i want to burn brightly for you, and do great things in your name. but i'm burnt out and weakened. and i'm just happy to have you. Jesus I love you, i must say that i really do. i don't spend enough time dwelling on that, and basking in my love for you. Thank you for leading me into brokeness, into a battle where I'd get burnt out and fall, and thank you for being there to catch me, and see me through it all. Thank you for presenting me with nothing else but you.

time frame -- i have less than 1 full week to dig out the rest of whatever i can find. by friday i will probably bounce back up to my normal levels of energy and everything will stabilize. it's taking a lot for me to dig this deep through myself and try to pull out crap.

i believe i've come to the most important series of realizations yet. i am developmentally stunned. roughly around early childhood, potentially toddler stage. how in the world did i manage to survive thus far like this? o.O I throw temper tantrums like all the time when I don't get my way. I want what I want or nothing else at all. I think my solution to dealing with myself on that note is to simply not want much of anything at all. if ya don't get your hopes up too high, you can't be let down that far. o.o; I'm also constantly taking in my surroundings and learning to adapt and fit in like a child does as it learns to interact with the world for the first time. although i suspect that at some point, a normal child makes some decisions about how he/she is going to be and establishes that within whatever environment they enter. I don't seem to have ever made such a claim of myself thus I am constantly learning and adapting to any/everything as it comes with no natural definition of myself. I have a very expansive mental definition of myself and highly advanced situation simulation running through my head all the time to take care of that function. I also have the little kid mentality of helping out. I'll help out only as long as it's me that wants to do so -- and then I have to do it in such a way where I'm raised as the best thing since sliced bread.

i
am
so
far
behind
as
a
person
that
i
have
no
idea
if
i
will
ever
reach
a
functional
point
...
:-(

i want friends... real friends :-\ real friends can only react to real people -- people tell me I'm a real person. i think i'm just a raw person that didn't develop a properly functioning personable facade. are people attracted to my childish innocence and curiosity about the world around me? are they attracted to my cut & dry sense of right and wrong?

--entries from my journal--
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Christmas time kid. Good all year in order to get good presents. No presents = no incentive to be good. Can't be bad, thus nothing to live for. error >_<

---------------------------------

Pain is one of the most commonly human traits. If one never experiences pain, then one never shares in a commonly human experience. Even Jesus himself wept -- experienced pain. This is one of the most definitively human actions/characteristics of Christ.

---------------------------------

what you say you want isn't what you really want. for if you really got what you said you wanted, you would have no practical use for it for it is only what you want and once it is acquired there is no more need to want for it. ??
~~~~~~~
do I define myself according to what others say they want?

---------------------------------


Personal pride, self image, family name/heritage carried on by the males of a family -- what if the line were broken? what's a new male to do without a family heritage to build/grow/stand on?
no man is an island -- standing alone, completely independent -- but what of those who are forced to exist as such? They could then be an island -- alone in the ocean, always drifting, wandering, trying to find a land mass he can connect to, or grow big enough to be his own supporting land mass...
Why the gryphon? prideful creatures, with good reason to be so, they have the greatest features of both the land and air. They are brought up from their youth to be prideful in who and what they are -- the rejects/miss formed/crippled either adapt creatively or die alone... or somehow manage to fake fitting in.
--I identify myself as 'no one' or 'nobody' it's both a good & bad thing [original entry ended]. whenever someone says 'no one' or 'nobody' does this or that that needs to be or should be done, i step myself in to fill the voided role. I also don't really stand out in such a way as to where I am a significant part of anything. Few or no one notices when I am not in attendance nor when I am in attendance.

---------------------------------

I want to interact with people -- but can't...?

---------------------------------

Am I just looking for somoene to define me? Do I really need a wife? a girlfriend? what if I just have friend? That will help me through life & stay by my side. -- do I have such a friend?

---------------------------------

The chase, the wonder, the intrigue of the pursuit of happiness... The movie is great, the movie is long, the sequel is spectacular & so is its sequel -- but after a while, the intrigue dies off, the plot twists become familiar, and lines memorized & predictable. Where is the fun of the mundane? Where is the adventure of the ordinary? New becomes old, unexplored becomes familiar, even change becomes habit as new things come to resemble the old ones... The only excitable goal is to pursue the impossibly attainable -- perfection. Perfection in this world is always improvable and never truely attainable, thus the thrill of the chase can occupy and consume one's life. With such an impossible task, why even try for what you cannot achieve? Yet why waste effort on anything less? meaningless in and of itself. Try to get a better slice of this life? Invest everything of this life into the next? why? I see no value in selfish ambitions; at all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do I want you Karina? I like you. You are different. You are perceptive. You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You are well learned. You have breasts -- furthermore very nice breasts. You have been hurt. You want someone to love you. You like being around me. I like being around you. You have questions to which I have answers. You have answers to which I have questions. I trust you. I love you. I like to make you happy. It is easy for me to make you happy.
--does this have any value? is this not all just for me?
me giving you happiness is a counterfeit of God giving you joy..?
all praise me...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God must truely be something far greater than anything humanly concievable if he is to be genuinely praised for all of eternity
"how do you know that...?"
"well, all i have so far to show for the future is the past."

---------------------------------

My heart is exceedingly rebellious & crafty...
the heart of Jacob -- trickster...
one moment I think I'm fine, the next I notice I'm doing something to destroy myself...

---------------------------------

energy -- lots of it, chaotic. where's it go? masturbate -- dissipates energy -- no... not this... why anyway -- to feel good, is that the pursuit? then stop -- y? to be good? is that the pursuit? to not would be to pursue bad -- to pursue nothing is truly impossible -- I must pursue something for I cannot exist in this state of anti-pursuit (pursuing not pursuing...?) indefinitely.

---------------------------------
there are a few more entries in the actual journal, many are pre-thoughts leading up to fuller conclusions.

...help me... i'm falling to pieces... i so thought i was building myself on Jesus, but i was playing the role to try to get a good life from him. i'm discontent, greedy, and crafty -- so much so that i don't even realize it about myself.
Help me! There is something wrong deep down inside of me that I cannot fix! I need someone on the outside to reach in and fix what's wrong on the inside. the deepest, most raw, sincere cry of the sinner for a savior. I am the sinner, and I have found that I am powerless to even reach out to access Jesus to save me. My soul grows fat and lethargic with its cozy sheltered life. The greatest line from the movie Wall-e "I don't want to survive, I want to LIVE!"

tracing my childhood. i was raised in a bubble. a protective small world cozy safe bubble. i wasn't allowed outside to play -- but apparently i was just recently told otherwise -- that i did used to go outside and play. O.o i almost asked a girl for her phone number yesterday -- the opportunity was so right there... i didn't act :-\ i hesitated, and went back to focusing on my work -- internally kicking myself for not trying to ask her for her number, or at least her name. at this current rate, i'm never going to actually make any forward progress in this world cause i can't interact with the people in it. i was teased in school and picked on. i pretty much always stayed to myself. i went with the extreme of having no self esteem, not just low self esteem. did i always just silently view myself as above everyone else? what happened to my 'get-up-and-go'? i used to say that it got up and left. why does my heart have a protective shell around itself? there's stuff in there -- i can't dig it out >.<