Good evening. ::he says as he sits back in his computer chair for a moment, takes a deep relaxing breath, and places his hands back upon the keyboard to strive to express himself:: well, the easiest place to start any conversation, I believe, is by stating the obvious -- it's been a while. I must say, a lot has occured from my last post til now. Even now, things are going on, and there are so many aspects that I can see it from and so many ways I can express it. I believe I've poured out my heart in expressing it to several of those nearest and dearest to me, and to those who needed to hear of my experience, so some of the pain has eased away and my heart is recovering. That may affect my retelling of events, or perhaps not, I am not sure. one moment.. ::he wanders off for a moment to search the archives and find out what the last post was about, in order to gather a sense of what material needs to be covered from then til now::

::He takes a deep breath and laughs heartily as he reads the previous few posts on the first page of his blog:: that... i must say... hits the spot exactly. i don't belive this blog has really missed a beat..
The last, and key, post that I left off at was

Saturday, March 18, 2006

IN DESPARATION NEEDING YOU EVERY LAST BREATH I SCREAM FOR YOU SHATTER ME INTO A MILLION PIECES MAKE ME NEW CRUSH ME TEAR ME BREAK
ME MOLD ME MAKE ME WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BEI AM YOURS FOR YOU TO USE TAKE AND
REPLACE ME WITH YOU

That was my prayer, that was my please... that was my request, that was my desire... that was my purpose, that was my passion...

March, 2006, very exciting time, great opportunity beginning, slightly less than 1 month after having moved into my own house. It was fun, it was good, things were rockin', I was adjusting to various responsibilities, generally taking things in stride, but the key core heart leak that I had was slowly and steadily losing its repair patch. ::pauses for a moment of thought and recollection:: I cannot say exactly what the problem was... for I do not quite know myself even now. I know various aspects of it, and more of them are being revealed to me frequently. But the exact details, for this blog post, I don't believe are necessary, but you are more than welcome to contact me and ask and I will tell you all you want to know. (contact you? you mean... there's a person writing this? woah! human interaction! too much time floating through the internet, not enough time interacting with people, even through the internet? XD) some of the basics were, I felt lonely, and without an intimate friend to share my heart with, and substitutes were either not filling the role or simply hurting my life, and I knew this, I could feel it in my bones, i could feel it in my soul, i could see it in my path, and i desired to be rid of it. April rolled around, many of my friends at the time were progressivly becomming busier with school as final papers and finals approached, so generally less time for me, more time to myself. May -- I completed one full year of working at Walgreen's. An impressive task by any standard, 1 full year of working in a retail store, 1 full year of working the night shift. I told it to the store manager, and he personally took a 1-year aniversary pin off of his Walgreen's vest, and handed it to me -- a proud moment, an intimate connection... i felt the searing pain and utter shame in my heart for having allowed myself to remain there for a full year.. I purposly wore that pin on my vest as a mark of shame, to fuel myself to do what i needed to do, and get out of working there. To the outside world, I was a proud walgreen's service clerk, which is a good appearance to maintain, I strived to do my job to the best of my ability, which is good and right in any situation, yet... eh, that's skipping ahead in the story -- anywho back on track.. May -- 1 year completed at Walgreen's, I was still stuck there, headed toward a life of slaving away for a company to potentially climb the corporate ladder, to possibly reach the rank of store manager, and slave away more in an endlessly useless cycle of providing people with millions of useless items that we sincerely express to them and convince them that they not only want, but need... but i digress (i should post a blog rant about corporate america, mass media, stupid products, and walgreens...) Outside of work, my personal infrastructure completely fell appart and was dashed away. The people whom I considered to be my closest friends, all moved away, all at once. I was slowly fizzling out of what has been termed an 'old relationship.' and that 'old relationship' i let get out of hand and devoured all of my personal time, so all of my tried and true friends were distanced and out of the loop of what was going on in my life. [*note: post about that relationship sometime as i see it in hind sight*].

*thinks: i'm tired, and so i should just save the draft and publish later... ::looks at the post's size:: eh, i can post this now and continue on a fresh post later*

It takes a lot to dig through the archives of one's life, and I for one have dug about all I can for the night, I could potentially draw more, but even now i'm beginning to digress to too many other subjects within this post. I would save this to continue for later, but I feel as though this is quite long enough to be a full post on its own and I can just create a new one to continue the story tomorrow evening.