my thoughts scatter when they come in contact with paper.
do i actually have any thoughts? do i actually have anything to say? do i really wonder anything? do i really know anything? where am i? where am i going? i know where i've been -- but does that have any real bearing on where i'm headed? i fight against certain aspects of my past to not allow them to be determining factors of my future. both the past of my own and the past of my ancestors -- the immediate ones at least that i know, and perhaps the past ones if i can ever become aware of them. the term dad holds no significant value to me -- neither good nor bad, so it doesnt particularly bother me to use the term in reference to john. i do, however, have issues with using the word "father" with reference to him.. anywho.. he's about 50 years old, and has little to nothing acquired over his 50 years.. or does he.. O.o i do not know -- i dare not dive into exploring his existence deep enough to fully understand him lest i find compassion for him and learn to forgive him for not caring about me. :-\ ... i do not want to be like him, so i can hold him as an example to not emulate. my mom's been stuck with the short end of the stick ever since having me. her resilience and strength are things to emulate. my grandmom i think is a good example of many things -- but i don't know her full story to fully understand things from her.
if reincarnation were the path of life/existence, then i would not want to embark on such a journey to the end. impossibly long journey through the world, through all walks of life, thousands upon thousands of years, never remembering the lessons learned before dieing, only to be sent back to try to figure everything out and do it before being allowed to leave the cycle.
that is not my reason behind why i do not believe in reincarnation, yet i do not have a definitive reason to not believe in it except i have not been given reason to believe in it. something i will research for myself.
...hungry... tired... more to write... no energy to continue :-\ getting food -- going to sleep...

it'd be fun to invent a brain reader in order for me to be able to write down all of my thoughts. typing is the fastest form of communication that i have, but it's not as fast as i think. --could a computer even keep up if it were able to read my thoughts? O.o anywho...
my mind is too powerful for me to do anything with it.. kinda like a hummer in the middle of new york city. sure it can climb a mountain and go over 100 miles an hour -- but it's in the wrong turf and stuck in stop n' go traffic. maybe there are no mountains for it to climb -- why was it built the way it was built then? ...