THis is my 195th blog post. on the one hand, if i were to look at that, i could say that i'm rather impressed with myself. i tend to shy away from completing things that i start to. i'd attribute that to laziness or lack of endurance or loss of focus. loss of focus or interest in whatever it was that initially got me started on whatever it is/was that i started. i can track many many failed and given up tasks and projects that are still floating through my head and plague me every now and then. i'm 24 and consider myself a failure, yet no one else around me does. no one quite knows the extent of all the things that i've set to and have not completed. books i've left unread, stories i've never written, projects planned out yet never built, time-lines deadlines assignments scheduled passed and missed... "I get knocked down, but I get up again and ain't nothin gonna keep me down" to quote that famous song.. i don't particularly like that song.. although it can be enjoyable when in a group of people at an event of some sort.. where am i going, what am i doing, where is my heart,and where is my mind? my heart is quite a wuss... i think that's the core of a lot of it -- it's quick to jump into things, yet doesn't stick through to the end. thus after a certain point in anything i put my heart into, my heart just stops and my mind then tries to take over the functions of continuing whatever it was and developing and holding site of the goal/initial reason for getting into the situation in the first place. there generally has been a default 0 that my heart reverts to. a strange paradox that i exist in... my heart longs to strive for the extraordinary yet it doesn't stick through to pursue it. I don't know much about my ancestors -- actually i know nothing about them at all, except for recent family history about 4 generations back from stories from my grandmom on my mom's side. I've recently been prompted to consider them and their existance to better understnd my own, thus I am begining the journey to find information on what little I know. As far as my african heritage, I assume that I am probably descended from a peaceful tribe that was more craft focused than war focused. probably got relatively easily captured into slavery, and of course survived the torturous inhumane trip across the ocean and ultimately became skilled house slaves. they probably generally weren't that large or muscular to be sent directly into the fields to labor, but quite skilled and easily trainable for house work. probably some tedious task(s) like house cleaning... they probably busied their minds with thoughts of returning home, and kept a keen eye on meticulous detail to avoid the wrath of the slavedriver's punishment.. hmm... to have gone through life... aquiring such vast experience, knowledge and understanding -- and dieing prior to ever being able to pass that on to the next generation... so much unknown... the silent unmarked graves herald civilizations and peoples long lost -- burried beneath the rippleless sands of time... ever pouring and constantly smoothing and fading out the footprints of those whom have tred past on days of old.. --what have i inherited? what does it all mean? are these questions, ponderings, puzzles of life, treasures once found now lost? hmm... what exists within me, and what keeps locking it down? there are systematic anchor points placed within my existance used to subdue and contain me. i think one thing i shrug off as an anchor holding me down is pain. i do not know what to do with it (or have i figured it out?) nor does most anyone who feels it. within our present culture, the method for dealing with pain is to medicate and numb it away. got a headache, buy a pill, or easy to use cream. got a stomach ache, use a pill. there's a pill for everything, and a cream for everything else. but there's really no need for me to rant about that, since it's plainly evident and has been ranted about by others before. there's something within the pain -- an element of human life -- somehow, the closer we are to connecting with our human mortality, the greater we can appreciate our life. ~tangent~ Why does secular music generally sound more appealing than christian music? Christian music generally is too focused and directed, where secular music is a deep sincere crying out of an artist's heart. -- who is an artist? but one who's heart speaks loud enough to be heard. applicable to all aspects and avenues of anything if you honestly observe the workings of such things. ~where am i going with this?: nowhere, there's no aimed direction~ -recollection of a realization, now being posted on my blog- Christian music's numb expressionlessness is parallel to the church's means and method of existing. pain free and happy. Got a problem? Rub a lil' Jesus on it and sing happily through it to keep your mind off the problem til God magically takes it away. that is quite a harsh and cynical comment ment to be a grotesque overexaggeration of a situation i believe is seeing the early signs of dieing. was it not God himself who sent Israel, his own beloved people, away from him into exile because he loved them so much? --strange statement/concept... must dive into that more sometime... was God protecting himself from the heartache of being with his beloved that was cheating on him and loving another besides him? Did it pain God to have his perfect love rejected? Certainly so [scripture references could be pulled up to support my point, but i don't feel like it but would do so upon request (woah, this sounds like i'm writing to an audience... o.o; {I supposed my audience/no-audience means of typing shifts from time to time... i strive to write to no audience, but i sometimes try to keep things clear for if someone comes along this blog in the future after i'm dead and is curious about my thoughts without me there to explain them--some of the greatest minds were not appreciated til long after they were dead. --millions of tangents to go on there, but i digress...})]. back on track -- God, hurt, hiding from the pain? no... he knew his love was true, and knew they would recognize it too, they just needed to run free and experiment, and would eventually come back to seek him. we humans are easily spoiled, and eventually cease to appreciate what we have. 'the grass is always greener on the other side.' strange phenomena at work... we have strawberries on sale, 2 pound container for $2.88. we got a tremendous number of strawberries in, from the same company, probably from the same farm, probably picked at the same time, grown in the same dirt. at the price they are, with the flow of customers in the store, i can only go about 15~20 min before i need to fill up the strawberries again. customers insist that the strawberries that just came out of the cooler are drastically better than the strawberries that are presented on the sale's floor that came out 15~20 minutes prior. and when i'm not in the process of loading them up, i see customers scrutinizing over each package to determine what is the best one out of the bunch. people will even ask me to pick out 'the best one.' They are really confused and unsure when I tell them they're all good, just pick any one of them. it's rediculous, we have so much selection available in this country that if the average consumer were presented with a choice between red and red, they would want to seek consumer reports or other customer's opinions on which of the two was better. regardless of the fact they're the exact same thing... o.o; hmm... heartless rant... i don't particuarly care about this subject... backtracking -- was i saying something? ah yes... we don't appreciate what we have, at least not until we don't have it.
...blah... weak post... :-\ i didn't actually express anything, just posted a bunch of things from a scattered brain.