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sometimes some things i process through too fast to type...
i messed up...
pride :-\ the silent killer of the soul...
I messed up with Max :-\ a man whom God placed under my care to help guide and encourage -- I expected of him what was not right for me to demand of him and I stabbed him in the back and tossed him from my care or concern, kicking him to the curb like so much of society has already... why? cause i was too busy to deal gently with him... had too much of my own other stuff to worry about than to take a moment to talk with him... :( i neglected him and he wasn't readily moving at the pace i wanted to go so i dropped him... i'm sorry... i was crossing a narrow and delicate bridge, then retreated from it and set it ablaze. i do not realize the damage i have done that will make it difficult for anyone else to be of aide to him... he now has me to look back to and recall "i trusted once..." "I listened once..." "I almost believed..." "but..."
i haven't been loving well... or loving right... or loving fully, and thus generating my own laziness for lack of desire to serve others by trying to take care of myself when God has already been taking care of me so that i can take care of others...
Beside my job, in the parking lot -- I work at a supermarket -- there is a woman who regularly says "Excuse me, could you spare a little change?" exactly that, every day, every time, to every one. occasionally someone feels sorry for her and gives her some change, most of the time people ignore her, sometimes people respond by saying no, sometimes people respond with ridicule or insults... what's my response? last night, i heard her in the parking lot before i saw where she was -- i expected her to be in a position by the entrance or exit that i would cross her path, yet almost instantly i had my "nope" response ready, and almost a split second later my heart hurt for her as a human and as a woman.. and a short while after that, i pushed the thought of her out of my head so she would not nag at my conscience... this is not my first crossing of her path, this is a regular thing -- she is very clean cut and has nice new coats on regular, her apearance is not one of a destitue begger in need of any necessity. yet her verbal request is simple "excuse me, could you spare a little change?" sounding like a request for the barest of scraps from your pocket or wallet that are annoying to you and you would rather rid yourself of anyway by tossing it onto the floor or dropping in to couch-cushion savings investment vaults. what do I give her? a predetermined prerecorded content and justified "nope" because I know that giving her money would not be wise or helpful to her, and ignoring her would be downright rude and ignorant, she is a person after all. ...but -- is she human? is she created in God's image? What is the cry of her heart? What is it she really wants? What is it she really needs? simple answer: Jesus. Actual answer: Jesus. the simple answer is "she needs Jesus, i'mma pray for her deliverance/healing/etc." the actual answer is, she needs me, a follower of Christ, his ambassador of love, one who commits to Christ to love him and love the lost. (several tangents to go on)
I could give her food -- I work in a supermarket, and we're in its parking lot, I have money, and food is readily available, I could go in, buy her some, and give it to her -- but she's very well dressed and has been around for quite some time, she doesn't seem to have a lack of food or money. what does she need? why don't I know? --why have i never talked with her...? how about i ask her...? what is her name? where is she from? how did she get there? does she want out? what does that involve? Throughout all of the old testament God provided for his people, he gave them food, he gave them water, he gave them shelter, he gave them riches, he gave them wealth, he gave them dominion, he gave them power -- but but there was something unique and special when he gave (now go back, re-read, and replace the last several "them" with "us") us Christ, in human flesh. We need human interaction. I'm depriving her of one of the most foundational of human needs, human interaction! In the garden of Eden, God walked WITH Adam and Eve, when Jesus returned, he walked WITH us. Sure he's given food, sure he's given water, sure he's given shelter, sure I could give money, sure I could give bible verses, but am I willing to take up my cross, follow Christ, give of myself and actually talk to this woman whom I see on a regular basis? Where will this lead? What will people think? What do I say? How can I help? ...does it matter? The actual act does matter, the foolish plan-ahead questions do not matter so much.