the idol of my heart/obsession of my desire

is Christ not enough to be my reward, my prize, my goal for doing anything in this life? must i have mine? what i want? what i deserve? what I've earned?

why do i do what i do? is it for my sake? is it for Christ's sake? my heart yearns, longs for, and desires a wife/life-mate/companion/friend... why? i'm deeply lonely... why am i so easily neglected? is it something wrong with me? ... i'm not that it's not, thus i can trace the actions of individuals around me back to the general nature of our culture today -- 'me me me' as the center of the universe.

i don't ask for much... should i ask for more? O.o what do I want -- and why? what do i care about, like really? why is it that no one has any idea of any of the things that i like/want? am i truly more silent than i think i am? my birthday came -- and left, with little fan-fair. one birthday card from my grandmom, one from my best friend's parents, one present of body washes n' stuff from my best friend's parents, one birthday card from my mom, one birthday card from my cats (my mom picked it out), one happy birthday song on my voicemail from my aunt, one happy birthday voicemail from two of my friends at church, one promise of a late birthday present being made by my sister, and my best friend and her best friend sang happy birthday to me on the phone. hmm... that's not too bad actually.. what am i complaining about? i don't know... :-\

it's kinda like water ice. Water ice is a unique thing -- it's different from "Italian ice" "Polish ice" "Slushies" "Slurpies" and "Snow cones." Yet if you were to describe what each of them is, they're all the same -- ice and flavoring.

i can't validate any of my complaints :-\ i can only identify that my focus is wrong. i want, for me, just for myself... but those things that i want in such a manner, are the very things that i cannot have. I wanted a girlfriend of my own. I sought after a girlfriend. I got the most amazing woman I've ever personally encountered in life. I idolized her in my heart and smothered her with love. I tried to only have the best and purest of intentions throughout the whole thing, but I failed the test of Abraham -- can I sacrifice what I hold onto in highest regard, to God? So that he can take care of it the way it needs to be taken care of, and so that only he can reign high and supreme in my life and in my heart? I cannot pinpoint the incident(s?) when this happened, but i can identify the struggle in my heart to keep Christ first, and my girlfriend second. Yet, even in doing so, i was in the wrong... The question presents itself -- why was I pursuing Christ so earnestly then while I was in a relationship, and not so intensely when I am not in a relationship?

"Christmas Christmas time is near
Time for toys and time for cheer
We've been good, but we can't last
Hurry Christmas hurry fast"

lyrics from "Christmas Time" by Alvin and the Chipmunks. Translation 'God, I did all that you want me to do, come on hurry up and give me my reward now cause I can't keep on doing stuff for you without getting stuff for me.' Where is my treasure? Where is my reward? What is the desire of my heart? Is it truly the Lord? apparently not... for when I'm tested I sway... i too earnestly want a girlfriend, eventually a wife someday... as good as it is, and highly praised even in the bible, it's far too great of a thing for me, if even a girlfriend I can't properly handle...