stabbed... ow... heart hurts, don't want to move foward -- but must. where is the problem and what is the solution? if i am to examine anyone to find a problem, i must start with me. she is not talking to me. what have i done? what have i not done? i haven't talked to her in quite a long while. when we do talk, i'm afraid to say anything... i want to share everything, but i'm afraid of her response. i sit there and listen and parrot back the responses she wants to hear. whenever i miss a beat, make a slightly off remark or comment, i feel like it upsets the delicate ballance and i have to prepair to recieve correction or assult. how do i love her in this friendship we have? how do i work to fix this problem? am i just running away? what is the issue we need to sort out and deal with? what is its solution? have we ever solved anything and come to a resolution? or has it just been covered over and ignored, left to sit and fester away -- building up habbits, patterns, and memorized warning signs of "do not tread there." how do we forgive? how do we forget? my heart is in the wrong, for its her i want to blame. i want to just rip her character appart and point at every aspect to shame. Lord take away this desire within me, this carnivorous ravenous festering beast. i do not know its name -- is it pride? or is it just me? i feel like i've given her all i can, to the point where i have no more. i've sworn to her my forever friendship, yet neglected everyone else in my life. what am I doing wrong?? how am i living wrong???? Lord i have sinned, please cleanse me! I long to hear your voice to tell me Go and sin no more. i pour out my heart as i cry to you and ask for wisdom, ask for justice, ask for grace, ask for mercy, ask for you to rebuild this bridge -- tear it down if you must, for only you to rebuild right. should i spend more time with her? is that pursuing your will? am I seeking to glorify her? am i being selfish by not spending time with her? how do i do this? i can do nothing without you Lord. i was stabbed once and now i'm crying -- am i too weak to fight a battle? that is drawing off topic, let me focus on this situation at hand.

my heart clings... it wanders and floats until it can cling... does it seek its own survival and approval and praise like a leech? do i make friends, offer them love like a posion to numb their senses, attatch to their heart, and suck up all the love and attention i can, then detatch and discard them when they are of no more use or i find a fresher heart to leech from?

...is that the reality of me? Lord let it not be... I need to hear from you, because this is the conclusion I see. am I being lied to, with these decietful concepts being whispered in my ear? or an accurate relization of where my heart is and where i need you to draw near?