my heart hurts... i want to cry -- but i don't.. do i really want to cry? why or why not? how DOES that make me feel? O.o i want someone to relate to, someone to connect with... i feel orphaned... by my dad and my mom. my dad by choice, my mom by default as she had to use all her energy and effort to keep us alive... she had such potential... so much going for her... then he came along, she followed, and then i came after that... love my grandmom forever, but she already forged a hard life of raising two children by herself, she couldn't interact with me as a mother and father should. i couldn't connedt with the TV because all the shows i kept liking kept going off the air -- which i guess is a good thing since it's a brain sucking device anyway...
i got to meet a bunch of personless faces and names today. 87+ years of life, tradition, history, learning, wisdom, experience -- 50+ years of life together, love, family, connection -- 25 years of life on this earth, yet i have nothing to show for it... why am i so alone? O.o am i really? I've been told the term "holy" litterally means "set appart." hhmm.... am i holy or am i just lonely?
there's family history that i know nothing about. backstory to where things are, the way things are, and that might possibly help give me something to launch from and a direction to aim towards for now and towards the future. [I am making it a point to state that only for the simplicity of expressing myself i will use the term 'dad' but the title holds no meaning for me in reference to the individual.] my dad is artistic, musical, inventive, scatterbrained, and industrious (somewhat). my grandad and grandmom (on that side) are artistic, formal, friendly, impersonal, artistic, musical people. i never learned any of that... i have skills and talents that have never been developed. when needed, i didn't have that encouraging push to go beyond just being interested in something to actually pushing and doing something. that's hindering me even now in just about any pursuit I have for myself... but besides that, i feel like i'm leaking out and losing out and missing out on vital portions of life and dieing a slow death before my time. creative energy with no outlet, burning deep within with nowhere to go but back on itself to searh for a way out.... too much to contain and focus to work on one thing long enough to see it through to completion, yet too little to do nothing with it... >.<> wife ~> kids. But if I don't have that, then i apparently lose reason to care about myself. that's not a good thing... and i didn't realize i was doing that until recently. another thing that i built my self-caring on was my goals/aspirations. however, that's not a sustainable soucre, nor is it one to draw from in reality.. no matter how much one can possibly love work, work cannot, and does not love one back. Work loves only itself and money -- and it loves money even more than itself actually.. but that's another issue entirely... my own family loves me, i know. and i love them. but... missing portions of my existance seems to cry out for --more? something else?
I WANT A REASON TO PUSH FORWARD >.< It's selfish, its self-centered, but I want a reason for me to give out all I have into something that I can look at, identify as mine, and take value from. As much as I conciously realize how wrong that is, it is something it seems my heart kinda wants. or is it. no... that doesn't fit ompletely -- but at least some of it seems true.

and furthermore. WHY CAN'T I TALK?????????????????????!
i can type everything, but i can say nothing. what's up with that? i thought i dealt with that already.

i think i may cross a language barrier. but i don't know... do i hold onto even that as an element of self-identity to be different than everyone around me? i feel as though i lose my uniqueness when i find someone similar to me in some regards. O.o is that a reason behind why i am where i am and not around more people smarter than me and such? ... no... i don't think so... hmm... wrong tangent of thought to follow -- better one -- is purely being different something that i hold to as part of my identity? If it is, then that in and of itself would be a major contributing factor hindering my interaction with others on a personal level. i was raised in a bubble, so i acquired no culture. i am very perceptive, so i can blend in and adapt to just about any culture that i want/need to. but when people try to for real interact with me, or when i for real try to interact with them, there's no easy/basic/common points to connect on. One with a similar skin tone as I might casually refer to me as "my brotha" to where i feel no connection with the individual beyond just another individual that crossed my path for a moment. i don't express myself... i've had that problem since grade school -- identifiable via note or comment from one of my teachers potentially in 4th grade.
i came up with a cute comment the other day... sorta a math theme (x/0) = undefined -- a man who stands for nothing is undefined. what DO I stand for? O.o ...there we go.... do I claim to be an American? And stand for "truth, justice, and the American way" no... because I don't really believe in everything in this country.. do I claim to be African-American? with reference to culture -- no... i was taught to look down on many aspects of the culture and taught to fear certain things... do I claim to be Native-American (Indian)? no... i know nothing of the culture. I am a Christian, that is the only thing that I claim to be -- yet... Christian does not, is not, nor should be a culture, thus it doesn't quite properly fit the bill. 'Christian culture' is only good for 'Christian circles' with its unique terminology and codes of conduct, but i don't belive Christian culture should exist, thus i must throw much of that out of the window -- or at least not live by it but deal with it in another way. i could get into my issues behind that in detail, but that's a whole other tangent... basically -- it was 'the church's' response to evolution being adopted in public schools and rejecting teaching or holding onto any Christian teachings within public schools. Christian culture develops an 'us' vs 'them' category for people that exists as a wall barracading genuine relationships and a flow of love -- even Christ's love -- from one to another. The only reason why it functions, I believe, is just a testiment to the Holy Spirit's ability to use absolutly anything for his glory and plan. I need a culture... The computer culture? --it holds no substance, nor value in anything that exists beyond its 4 - 5 second attention span... or does it... hmm... there's a missunderstood and unloved group of individuals... the outcasts of society... gathered together to build an empire that's grown to flip the entire social status-quo into confusion... I myself used to be mocked by 'friends' at school for spending lots of time online and socializing over the internet. now they enjoy doing the exact same thing and are appologetic about having mocked me for it before.

tired... kinda done for now... conclusions -- culture is important.