My heart wants to chase after love. but -- not the right love? it does, but it doesn't want to chase after the right love -- love is patient, arg... How long is patient? just a bit longer than i've waited.. scattered thoughts, running heart... chasing after love. i know what love is -- I Know love, love is Christ. in my pursuit of Christ, my heart just stops.. it wants love with a woman. :-\ i want someone to love, to hold, to cherish, to talk with to listen to to walk with hand in hand with Christ as he leads me and her in his will. *sigh...* not yet... not now... be still my heart -- she will be here when I am ready, and when she's ready -- when God is ready for us to be together.

i have so much love, but nothing to do with it... so much love and no one wants it... so much love and no one to share it with. it hurts my heart to be restrained it hurts my heart to be contained it hurts my heart to not love, i want to and i need to spend time in love with Christ. Oh beating rampaging rampant muscle of my being, how fickle you are. I cannot please you! It is your job to please Christ and find pleasure in him! I have searched the scriptures, and his word is sweet, yet you do not find pleasure in him. I have sought out new songs and music, yet when it fades so does your fervor. Am I doing something wrong? ...yes... even in my pursuit of Christ, i'm really pursuing my own heart's desire >.< but -- shouldn't the pursuit of Christ BE my heart's desire? there is a difference... a fine line between receiving joy from pursuing Christ and pursuing joy from Christ.
I want to go out on a date with Christ.. I want to fall in love with him all over again. I'm so trying to pursue that, but my heart is out of alignment and drifting to the left and to the right. Be thou my vision, o Lord of my heart! Naught be all else to me save that thou art! Lord of my heart. lord of my heart... Thou my best thought, by day or by night... by night i desire rest but acquire sleep -- by day i desire accomplishment but acquire projects. i fool myself sometimes... how wretched am I... Lord be thou my vision! That is my request, that is my plea. Make me to focus on thee. I kinda know how, and I very much prefer to, but -- my heart drifts to the side as if it is incomplete... like a car with a flat tire. But I'm complete in Jesus. so the flat tire i'm riding with is either just my imagination, or it's my own doing.. i want companionship with a woman so badly that i'm willing to wound myself to get it --? O.o hmm... must think on this and research it deeper.