2:45am, brain's still active.

i like the image of the gryphon because it gives me something to look up to for strength since all the males in my life are rather weak. There are a few that I look up to, but they have their own lives to run so I can't really go to them for everything that i need/want from a father figure.

i think i figured out part of what irks me so much about my dad's side of the family. all this time in my search for self and identity, i've identified several things that i consider my own personal self expressions and unique characteristics of myself that are unlike anyone else around me. then when interacting with him and finding out about them, i find them with many of the same attributes, and so i no longer can feel like i can claim stuff as me or mine........ too vague -- forget whatever it was i just said.
I'm broke -- i wanted to send flowers or a card to my best friend's mom as she's recovering from being in the hospital. no money, no flowers, i could send a card -- cards are expensive -- i could make a card -- if i'm going to make a card, i could just go ahead and make flowers -- that would be personal, and that would be from me, from my heart. being artistically creative and resourceful with stuff apparently runs in my family. so being artistic and creative is something i hold onto as a part of me, yet i find that it links me to a family that i've never known, nor has ever known me. it's almost like the phrase 'you're unique, just like everyone else.' how does that make me feel? o.O frusterated, useless, and unimportant. unloved, needless, and neglected. defeated.
--how is it supposed to go? children look up to and admire their parents for being super human and aspire to be like them, over time they learn more of the ins and outs of things and develope their own way of doing what their parents did. eventually they forge their own path and look forward to making their parents proud of their own unique acomplishments.

obscure observation: for being such amazing artists and loving art so much -- the walls at my grandparent's house were entirely empty of artwork. i didn't like their house much. sorta. i missed out on all the good stuff already. they had an organ and a grand piano, covered high in stacks of papers that needed sorting... there was a pile of paintings behind the couch... everything that could be was related to music -- even down to a wall clock that had a progressive music scale in place of numbers. yet there was silence in the house. ...i wasn't wanted there... john ('my dad') tried to break the ice and bridge the situation -- but no... it didn't work. --if i were to uncover some of what i saw and theorize about the situation -- i'd assume they were highly upset and dissapointed in and had given up on john. so me being there stirred up all sorts of different things, creating very awkward levels of tension between them and john and me by default assumption. ...they're planned regular people, and john is purposly an irregular person... i'm not a child in need of a grandma and grandpa to run up to and hug and be fawned over for cuteness -- i'm a grown man. ...i traversed a whole lot of messy family lines between them... wow... they must be so dissapointed in him and so wearied... all their love and blessings have gone to the family members whom they know as family... they are a family -- that i have no part of... there's collections of father's day cards, mother's day cards, addressed to grandmom addressed to granddad, with cherished memories and stories that date back generations... there is no way for me to learn anything from them... there is no opporunity for me to get to know them... they are still alive yet are dead to me... irreplacable time :-\ i could ask questions, i could hear the stories, i could imagine i was there for some of them -- but i wasn't. where was I? Where was Isaac while all this was taking place? where indeed.... sitting at home.... living his life through videogames...