I need to move backwards and forwards at the same time and run in both directions with perseverance and endurance.

well -- good news is -- I HAVE made notable progress in identifying things in my life past and present that have been and are hindering. However -- it does not end there. I've identified them, and thrown them off in many ways. At this point, I cannot sense any unidentified things in my heart that need to be brought out and identified. This would be a great point for someone else to look into my life and into my heart to help point out things to me that I cannot see -- but there's no one around who is up for the task, so I must continue as best I can. There is still a disconnect between my effort and my ability to work, and my life once I reach home. I can spend hours doing meaningless menial yet barely slightly productive tasks at work, yet I cannot do the same at home where it is most needed. I'm still investing more of my energy and effort into my 9-5 than I am in the other 16 hours of my life. I need to work backwards in continuing to dig through and deal with past things that have built up from neglect on my part and neglect from others involved. I also need to work forward because now is the time -- things are in position and place and will not wait for me to solve the past -- nor will i be able to fix or deal with everything within my lifetime -- however, as I continue to work forward, that will setup a better position for my children to have a ground to launch from.

as i look at other people, and how they deal with basically the same stuff I'm dealing with -- they have their parents to support them and launch from. Basic/ideal cycle of life, parents raise kids, teaching them stuff along the way whether they accept it or not, kids eventually move out on their own, using what they've been taught whether they realize it or not, and learn from trial and error -- usually finding themselves in some major problem because of their own fault and misunderstanding or circumstances beyond their control. So, when in doubt, there's always home -- there's always mom & dad to bail them out -- with a huge blow to the child's ego, they find they still need their parents' help, and gracefully the parents help, building a deeper relationship between the child and parent because of a greater understanding of the world around them. that seems to be the ideal.

generations come and generations go, forgetting the lessons of the generations past. One generation pursues obedience -- goes overboard and the next generation reaps the benefits yet finds fault and dives off the opposite end and pursues disobedience -- goes overboard and the next generation has to recover and pay for the dissobedience of the previous generation and their obedience goes on to setup a good position for the next generation -- who finds fault with the generation prior and attempts disobedience in an endless pursuit of the perfect life. (Perfect in this sense is subjective to one's own life as many view an ideal 'perfect' to be beyond their grasp, thus they create their own view of perfection for them and strive for it.)

viewing such a cycle -- looking at it in its entirety in summation and in intricate detail -- it really doesn't make sense :-\ If my work in my generation is to work to correct the mistakes of the previous generation, make things better for my generation and the generations to come, and in doing so, casing a whole new collection of problems for the next generation to correct and improve upon -- even repeating some of the same mistakes made by those prior to mine -- why do this? why... try? Sure things are getting better, but that just makes new ways for it to get worse. A microcosm example is how it's often said that just as many problems as computer have solved and simplified, they have created and complicated. I don't know about you -- but I can't live my existence uselessly and pointlessly just to perish and have been of no use great or minor. Surely there must be some greater meaning -- some kind of reason or purpose behind all of this useless suffering and toil.

I have found that in the bible, God says, as part of the 10 commandments, in Exodus chapter 20, verses 4 through 6 "You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand {generations} of those who love me and keep my commandments.
And in Exodus chapter 34, verses 6 and 7 "... And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, "The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation."
And in Joshua chapter 14, verses 14 & 15 "Now fear the LORD and serve him with all faithfulness. Throw away the gods your forefathers worshiped beyond the River and in Egypt, and serve the LORD. But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."

i wonder what Joshua's family line looks like today... and I want to ask someone of another religion, what does your word say about the endless cycle of generation to generation going, coming, and going again moving forward yet backwards at the same time, solving just as many problems as are created.

[~Jesus makes promises about how the world is and will be, and promises that he will be with us to help through it -- I will fill this section in with scripture references soon]