i realized this once before, but i don't think that i wrote it down. there are some things the mind cannot store in memory to be recalled at will. I realized this once before when I was trying to remember what it felt like to be in the presence of God and concluded that it is not something that can be remembered. If it could be remembered, then there would be almost no point in pursuing and experiencing it again. Just memorize it once and move on with life. What brought this realization back to present memory is, I seem to have forgotten how to love. it's been sapped away... no... i've tossed it away -- poured it out into my sinful desires... the trap, the vines, the snares that entangle me time and time again -- i keep going back to for comfort... for peace... i have a hold on it, and it has a hold on me -- but Christ has broken its hold on me! so that means... i have not let go... God in his righteous jealousy will not break my hold on it even though in his love he broke its hold on me. he waits for me to hold onto him instead... oh how heavy the chains! that were once put off that i put on again.. time and again i have been rescued from my own enslavement only to pursue it once more... like an elephant recalling that it is held in bondage by a shackle chained only in his mind...
[elephants are tamed by locking a shackle around its ankle and chaining it to a post. eventually the elephant gives up trying to break free and locks in its mind that the feeling of the shackle around its ankle means that it cannot go anywhere. so eventually its trainers only have to put the shackle around its ankle and it thinks it is chained so it doesn't try to escape.]