have you ever had to rip apart, and redevelop your own existence? Yet not really given a break from life to really sit down and reflect on the changes and deal with things one at a time? To your soul it's kinda like trying to perform open heart surgery on yourself while running a marathon. since i don't have a culture -- i don't really have anything to dictate or even indicate my value in anything. at times, if it's convenient for me, i depreciate my own value but its not really linked to any external standard so there's no one to answer to but me, and i've already given myself a good excuse for it so all i can do is be upset at myself with no higher authority to tell me otherwise. i'm so self-focused in my thoughts because i don't have anyone else to focus on to think about. thus when i do get someone else to focus on, it's such a relief for me to have a break from focusing on myself all the time. It helps free me up to actually live instead of looking over my own shoulder all the time and pressuring me in what I do... i work better when i'm not micro-managed -- even by myself. thus when i do have someone else to shift my attention to, they take the full blunt of all that micro-managing, thus creating an unintentionally oppressive situation where they feel like they have to be on their best behavior around me or to interact with me. thus i find myself frequently in situations where i help too much -- where i offer more assistance than people want and they get upset at me for it. "but i was just trying to help..." comes the timid-cry from my heart as i get scolded for doing what i thought was right.
i don't really have a history or developed reasons behind why i do much of anything that i do -- i just exist (as one observer stated it) and I can agree with that. i'm too formal and logical all the time. my emotions run away when they're hurt and it's really difficult for me to track them down and drag them out. i think they hurt a lot, and hurt often... somehow i don't get angry or sad, i just get neutral and then eventually bounce up to happy. But people will open up and say the deepest hidden secrets of their heart when they are either angry or sad -- maybe i noticed this at some point and decided to accept neither so that i don't say anything without thinking about it first. everything i say is thought out before i say it. this blog thus far has been an experiment and attempt to do otherwise.
i think my computer is the most valuable thing in the world to me... it seems as such because of how i feel when it doesnt work and the internet is down. its my vehicle to escape from me (?) o.O not sure about that last statement -- needs some refinement. ...no, it's more like... after work, people normally go out and hang out with friends -- i go online with my friends. people go out and play sometimes -- i go online to play. when people are lonely, sometimes they'll go to a bar or club to socialize -- i go to a chat room. the internet is the first outlet i had to the outside world. only problem is, digital existence doesn't really convert to real so much of what i developed for online doesn't work off-line. or does it? o.O *needs to dig deeper on that...* ...i was even awkward socializing online too, now that i think about it.
i suppose i've done well for having gone 25 years alone. but (unfortunately?) the standard i have set is perfection, so anything less frustrates the mess outta me because i have to consider it failure.