heart aches confused? maybe... not really -- not quite enough brain power to pull everything together... energy still scattered -- random -- unending... different levels comming out at different times. my heart feels like it's regurgitating (sp? throwing up). throwing up so much filth that i could never find before. its so quick to heal and cover over itself again, but i cant let it or i will go back to a delusional existance that seems ok when really it is not. (http://youtube.com/watch?v=OnuuYcqhzCE possibly -- i only know the chorus). i want to give up, but i can't. too much energy, can't dissipate it. cant sleep -- too much energy. can't eat -- too much energy. [for those readers who may be a bit confused and worried and lost with my descriptions of things, i'll try to reword this better. as i think about everything, and review things about myself, about how and why i do things certain ways, i sometimes come to conclusions and realizations that i am headed on a path of life that would lead me to be completely a person that i do not want to be. that thought makes me sick to where i feel like i'm going to throw up, but instead of a churning feeling from my stomach, it's centralized around my heart.] did i fail karina? by not being good enough for her? by not being the man she needed me to be? did i have anything to do with the matter really? was any of it under my control? did my addiction to masterbation cause me to fail in spiritual realms (again? ever?)? am i really as selfish as i percieve myself to be now? i am convinced as such... my heart has been broken, pulled back into use, broken again, pulled back into use, and broken down to the raw functioning levels to where i fear i see deep levels of deciet at work within my own heart against myself. either i'm so purely brilliant that i can strategize against myself, or i am insaine and have some deep rooted mental illness(es?) that will eventually devour me from the inside out, or i'm demon posessed and think that i am good, or something else entirely beyond my imagination. or perhaps just plain ordinary normal human responses to life situations and circumstances developed within myself to survive and thrive in this world. i admit i need attention. i don't have anything useful to do with it -- i just want it. it makes me feel good. it makes me feel wanted. it makes me feel like i matter to someone else. i want a girlfriend, wife, family, so that i can have that steady flow of attention/need for me, garunteed and supplied on a regular basis. which, if looked at in full bloom, would (or at least could) grow into a life and love devouring force (there's many more intricacies within that that i need to disect -- the past two statements are not total truth).