re: http://silvergryphon.blogspot.com/2008/06/have-you-ever-had-to-rip-apart-and.html
more thoughts -- didn't get to write them down earlier.
i have no family history. i have no family heirlooms, nor any item of sentimental or cultural value to anyone from my past. such things seem to be important to me in my existance because i feel a portion of myself lost when things that i've done -- are negated and thus made presently useless, or items i've given are not appreciated at least for a moment. if i have no history, i do not feel i exist or matter.

my thoughts are running too far for me to hold them all in line... too many present-future thoughts to compare to and keep track of present-past thoughts. i wonder if -- the process of one trying to take on themself a thought too big for their mind is what causes insanity? being crazy would be a simple inconclusive solution to this whole mess of life. no one would expect me to be able to handle anything, so i wouldn't have to do so -- meanwhile i'm too busy just trying to handle all of my existance and it's just too much for me to understand. {note: i really appreciate that God is God and i'm not. even though i can find within myself the desire to recieve such praises as he does -- which in and of itself is the raw essence of sin itself -- the original original sin of satan himself}. i'm tired... but not really.. am i? can i sleep? my energy is fading again... i've always know that i have a LOT of energy, but i want/need someone to help me focus and direct and control it in order to use it. right now i don't have such a stabilizing factor and i was already in the process of unlocking all of my energy and so stuff is going everywhere. durring work hours, i can focus enough to be productive at work. but that's about it. sometimes i relax at random. sometimes i'm hyper and energetic -- i'd have to say the general trend for those two are relaxed during the day when i wanna do stuff, hyper at night when i wanna sleep. the whole of my being needs to shift from what it is, into something else or i will be destroyed. i do not fear being destroyed -- my concern is what am i to become and how do i get there? i am trying to pack what i need for the journey (even as i am on it) yet i'm also looking carefully at everything and trying to discard what needs to be discarded. when i pause a moment to look at the entirety of the situation, i feel like it is either an impossible journey that i cannot complete-- or one that would take me at least another 25 difficult (to say the least) years to complete. which makes me feel like the first 25 years were a waste... why couldn't i just go outside to play? i see the evil outside -- but is there no good? i have finally found one real friend... i deeply fear burning her out, destroying her, or burning out our friendship as i have accidentally done in the past with other friends. i hold much of myself in for fear of destroying others with all of me collapsing on them.